SmytheNet

The Nativity Story

2007-04-16T07:56:51Z

Ok, I read somewhere that the chick who plays Mary in The Nativity Story is only, like, 17. And that kinda got me thinking.

That's way too old.

During an era when people rarely lived to be forty, 17 would be practically middle-aged.

I mean, let's do a little lesson on Jewish culture in the year 6 B.C. Jews legally became adults at the age of 13, and it was rare for Jewish girls to NOT be married by 14 or 15. This means that, more than likely, Joseph and Mary were a couple of horny teenagers who fancied each other enough for a roll in the hay every now and then.

Fast forward a couple of months when Mary breaks the news to Joseph: "I'm pregnant."

Oh shit, what to do now? Under Jewish law, unmarried women who were caught having sex were stoned to death. Even if they got married immediately, someone would notice that the timing of the baby's birth was off.

Here's what I bet Joseph and Mary did: They shouted from the rafters, "IT'S A MIRACLE!"

It's quite cunning, really.

So, yeah, I got hit by a car today.

2006-12-09T07:44:57Z

So I'm biking to work this morning (by "this morning," I, of course, mean quarter to five PM), and I'm already running late, because I-am-so-smart-S-M-R-T and I missed the bus.

So I get to Spring Valley and Preston, and I look both ways and I cross the street.

And this white car apparently doesn't see me, attempts to turn right and plows right into me.

Luckily, she wasn't going too fast, so she only hit me hard enough to knock me off my bike and bend the handlebars a little. I fell knee-first, so my knee got pretty banged up, and it HURRRTS, plus I got a few bruises here and there.

The lady driving the car was very nice about the deal though, she insisted on giving me her phone number in case I needed to call for insurance information. And after I stopped shaking, I managed to make it the rest of the way to work. I popped a couple Aleve that Kathy (the manager) gave me, and made it through the day.

That's about it. Just thought I'd record that something unusual happened today.

By the way - Art and Emily - If you're reading this... today's December 9, 2006. Y'all have to get in touch with me and tell me if anything happened today. :D

Updating, updating.

2006-11-28T11:24:31Z

Nothing much happened today. Home. Work. Internet. Sleep.

Got 4 more days until solitude. I still have to buy a bike. I'm supposed to call and get my power turned on at my new place tomorrow.

All that's been happening recently involves work. We're doing a sales thing at work to get people to sign up for Blockbuster Online.

I dunno. I really don't feel like updating now. Just felt I should.

saintsmythe @ 2006-11-22T07:01:00

2006-11-22T12:01:21Z

"Anything is funny with Yakety Sax. ANYTHING."

http://youtube.com/watch?v=2AYujWCCHRk

It's true. XD

I'm going to hell 'cause I can't stop laughing. XD XD

I learned something today.

2006-11-20T12:41:25Z

I got to help another friend through another college-induced breakdown today. That makes what... four just in the past few weeks? And it occurred to me as I strolled down to the pool to use the bathroom that I live a very stress-free life. And I *like* having no stress in my life. No stress, no drama... :/

See, I'm totally worried about starting college. I mean seriously, I dunno how I'm gonna react to that sudden addition of pressure to my life. In fact, I dunno how I can honestly hope to succeed and actually get a degree while in need of working 40 hours a week just to keep a roof over my head and myself connected to the internet. Why the hell am I actually thinking of going back to that world I gleefully tore away from eight years ago, that world of mind-numbing lectures and social academia. That world of forcing yourself to write ten pages on a topic you couldn't really give a flying hunk of baby shit about... God, why am I honestly thinking of doing this to myself?

I'll be a 25 year old freshman surrounded by 18 year olds fresh out of high school, the apron strings newly severed. At community college, these will be the kids who couldn't get into "real" college. The druggies, the criminals, the people with the IQ of grapefruit, the people even the Army wouldn't take. And me. Surrounded by scum once more. And we all know how strongly I attract scum. How desperate am I for companionship? Will I really allow these scum to take advantage of me again?

Of course I will.

I hate the fact that you need to go to college to succeed. College is nothing but a four year waste of time that proves nothing outside of the fact that you can go to college. Seriously, what the fuck are you supposed to learn there? How to plagiarize an essay without getting caught? How to put away a pony keg in one night and still make it to Economics at 8 AM? But if I don't put myself through this meaningless hell, I'll be stuck making $8 an hour for the rest of my life.

It's times like this that I wish I could just blow my brains out already and be done with it.

Meh.

2006-11-18T21:30:03Z

I let Keith (Roommate) borrow my laptop this weekend, in exchange for unfettered internet access and the returning of my $28 electricity check. Woot. It's too bad I didn't get this access months ago, but meh.

Anyway, I'm bored as hell. The forums are broke, and I'm trying to figure out how not to be lonely.

Smythe Paradox #2: Anyone I'd be compatible with is probably *also* sitting at home on the internet trying not to leave the house.

And... I've gotta *pick* which electric company I want?! WTF? Fucking deregulation... Electricity rates are higher here than anyplace I've ever lived except Baltimore.

And it's 3:30 and I, like, *just* woke up. Had to pop pills last night, but meh.

Meh sounds like the word of the day. Meh, meh, meh.

I gotta work today. Meh.

Insanity and Solitude

2006-11-16T10:50:37Z

Is it possible that solitude can drive one insane?

I realized today that, in two short weeks, I'll have put myself in the same situation I was in back in Baltimore: Totally sequestered in a neighborhood where I won't know anyone, and probably won't *want* to know anyone.

Smythe Paradox #1: I'm terribly, painfully lonely, yet I hate pretty much everybody.

It was two years before I ever spoke to any of my neighbors in Vegas.

As far back as I can remember, my entire life has been spent either in solitude, or surrounded by scum who didn't care if I was alive or dead. What effect has that had on my already less-than-stable mind, I wonder.

I love apricot preserves

2006-11-15T20:06:37Z

Ok, to start this one, I've got the ALPHABET MEME courtesy of fuzzmonkeys aka Psyne.

The letter she gave me was B.

1. BARENAKED LADIES. Psyne started hers with a band, so hahaha. Barenaked Ladies is the only band I can honestly say I liked before they went mainstream. Once I went into a store in Vegas and asked if they had any Barenaked Ladies, and the guy laughed and said "No, but if you find any, send em my way."

2. BOOZE. Such a large part of my life... but today I'm 4 months sober. Dear God, how the hell am I gonna make it through the holidays?

3. BLUEBERRY MUFFIN TOPS. I've got this cereal called Blueberry Muffin Tops that is absolutely DELICIOUS.

4. BUS. I should be going to catch the bus right now. I've gotta go down to my new apartments and give them money, and arrange to have my internet and power turned on.

5. BALTHIER. My favorite character in Final Fantasy XII, the game that's currently consuming most waking moments. I'd love to know who came up with the idea for an entire race of scantily clad bunny girls.

6. BIKE. I've got to get a new bike. I ride my bike three and a half miles to work every day.

7. BLOCKBUSTER. Yeah, there, I said it. My job.

8. BECKY. Less Than Three! OMG! Typing out my fantasy! Meet me here on IRC, LOLOL!

9. BOREDOM. Yeah, yet another large part of my life.

10. BROKEN LAPTOP. Which is now FIXED WOOOOOOOOOT! For about $65 less than I thought it would cost!! Go me!

IF YOU WANT A LETTER, ASK ME. I'LL GIVE YOU ONE AND YOU POST 10 THINGS YOU LIKE STARTING WITH THAT LETTER IN ~YOUR~ JOURNAL.

More proof that God hates me.

2006-11-12T21:51:08Z

Ok, so, y'all know how I finally, after over a year, got my laptop back from the Navy?

It's broken.

The pin in the DC jack broke off, and now the battery won't charge.

Soooooooooo it's gonna cost me $165 to fix it (if it CAN be fixed, there's a chance the motherboard is fucked).
ALSO, I gotta get a new cell phone, cause the other one fell out of my pocket on the way to work and got run over by a car.
ALSO, I gotta get a new bike, cause James can't sell me the one I've got now.
ALSO, I've gotta pay $200 for my first month's rent on the 15th.
ALSO, I've gotta pay the folks I'm living with $150 for electricity.
ALSO, I've gotta get power and internet turned on in my new place.

So basically, I'm going to be purely 100% flat broke by the time I move in. This plan to live rent free to save money sure has worked *really* well.

I'm hungry.

2006-11-01T22:03:50Z

So yesterday was halloween.

http://saintsmythe.illemonati.com/pics/Picture%209.jpg

http://saintsmythe.illemonati.com/pics/Picture%2010.jpg

http://saintsmythe.illemonati.com/pics/Picture%2011.jpg

I dressed up as the Phantom for work, but no one brought in a camera, so I didn't get to enter the costume contest.

I'm tired. I've been staying up way too late lately. Last night I was up until after 8 am. >_<

I've been reading this weird book that Minnesota Girl wants me to read, it's called Many Lives, Many Masters. And it's about this psychiatrist who hypnotizes this one patient and finds out she's lived, like, a whole pile of past lives and it's really freaky if it's true, the way she starts spouting out information she has no way of knowing and stuff.

The weirdness is compounded by someone I know online telling me last night that, before being committed to a psych ward, she had several revelations about the meaning of life that correspond almost exactly to what is described in the book.

If I could afford it, I'd want to get the past-life regression described in the book done to me, out of curiosity more than anything. Plus the woman in the book had all her psychological problems cured by the therapy, so hell, what would I have to lose?

The key word is, of course, IF I COULD AFFORD IT. Hell, I certainly need plenty of psychological help and therapy if I could afford it.

I'm hungry. I think I'm gonna eat pizza before work.

Happiness?

2006-10-30T05:17:05Z

I'M IN LURRRRVE!

Voice in my head: Oh fuck, not again.

Hey, come on, voice. Be happy for me!

Voice in my head: So... who is it this time?

The Minnesota girl.

Voice in my head: *facepalm* Jesus, are you ever gonna learn? A laptop, a webcam, and an internet connection is NOT a substitute for a girlfriend!

Well, it's good enough for now anyway. I really like her too. She's cute and goofy and I make her happy when I talk to her. It makes me smile like crazy when I talk to her on webcam and see her smile.

Voice in my head: And she's lonely and desperate enough to actually consider being with a creepy, clingy, failure-at-life piece of shit like you.

Hey, come on. I really don't think it's like that. I think she really likes me for who I am and not just because of loneliness and a craving for anybody.

Voice in my head: Are you planning to ever actually meet this girl? Or are you just gonna jerk off to her picture for the rest of your life?

Well... we're trying to work that out. I'll have my own place soon, so she can come down here, or I can come up there next summer if she gets her own place.

Voice in my head: Have you managed to work out your climate-incompatability yet?

Well, here's the thing. You know how I've always talked about moving to Canada, right? Well, I've been looking into film schools in Canada to transfer to after I get my associate's from Collin County. Maybe someplace like Vancouver. And she could move with me.

Voice in my head: You really think this girl's still gonna like you in two years? She's gonna be sick of you two weeks after you meet her, just like every other girl who's ever liked you in the least. Besides, there's no way you're gonna get through college. You're just gonna fail like everything else you ever do.

...

You know what? You're a real asshole.

Voice in my head: You need me, dude. I'm the only leash to reality you have. Without me, you'd be lost in that idealistic dream world you built up for yourself all those years you were on drugs.

Whatever. I'm depressed now.

Wait, she just IMed me.

I'm happy again. :)

Thoughts of a day spent at Starbucks

2006-10-27T22:09:37Z

So... I got my computer back from the Navy. (Yay) Now I just have to figure out how to get it online.

Dragged the thing up to Starbucks to utilize their T-Mobile $10-a-day wireless so I could download all the windows updates I need, and that's where I've been since about 2 and where I am right now.

Good thing I got my work uniform on, cause I'm gonna need to ride straight to work from here.

One interesting thing I've noticed about Starbucks is the incredibly large number of beautiful young women that hang out here. There's this one Asian girl in a green jacket poring over some college-textbook looking thing. And this other Asian girl and this cute blonde who've been here almost as long as I have, just chatting away.

It must be nice to have friends.

Oh, and I'm not even gonna mention all the criminally underage jailbait who keep coming through the door wearing clothes that leave far too little to the imagination.

So, anyway, I've got my computer back, now I gotta work on filling it back up with illegally downloaded porn and music. Hopefully no viruses this time.

I just realized this journal's over a year old. Who knew?

Typing out my fantasy

2006-10-24T18:24:21Z

So, yeah, after I posted that emolicious message the other day, life got worse.

My cell phone fell out of my pocket and got RUN OVER BY A CAR.

Voice in my head: HA! Hahahaha. God hates you.

I also read a few nasty online reviews about this apartment where I'm supposed to be living. :(

Oh, and my computer hasn't gotten here. I finally got in touch with the Navy and they're supposed to be sending back my computer...

I've been
Waiting forever
For my
Computer to come
I'm desperate
For internet at aaaalll...

Sunday, I went to see The Prestige at the closest mall, which is like an hour away by bike and two hours by bus... -_-;

Went by myself. All alone. Wandered around for a while. Played pinball for 90 minutes. Actually got bored. :/

Hm. Lemme ask all y'all single folks something. You know how every time you see a happy couple wandering around, it stabs you in the heart and makes you be like "FUCK I WANT THAT TOO"? (Or is that just me?)

Well, it's 8,342 times worse seeing a movie by yourself. Because EVERYONE ELSE IN THE THEATRE is a couple.

The movie was decent. Not in my top ten or anything, but worth seeing. David Bowie didn't look anything like I thought he would, though. :-/ I was expecting him to look weirder, playing an eccentric scientist.

Anyway, I'm gonna eat something.

"Shipping Smythe/Anybody" or "Amy Syndrome"

2006-10-21T22:37:22Z

Alright, nothing happened today.

Let's use this moment to give all you Smythe fans an update on my nonexistant love life.

I'll start by saying that, after the disaster surrounding the last girl I fell in love with, I swore off EVER falling for someone I didn't know in real life.

That cut my prospects for love down to, oh... about zero. Hooray for being totally and completely socially inept.

There was one chance, the only other person I knew in the state of Texas. Age 17, still in high school. Another Lemon Demon fan. Someone I'd been talking to for a while, so my hopes were high. Maybe I'd come to Texas to be with her.

God knows she was very similar to me. No friends, no social life, no prospects for love. Similar interests and outlook on life.

Voice in my head: So, in other words, she might actually be desperate enough to be with a piece of shit like you.

O_o Well, I wouldn't put it that way. She'd been through an online relationship that just ended, and she was terribly depressed, so--

Voice in my head: So you thought you had a chance to score with a young, vulnerable teenage girl? Nice.

No! It's... not like that. I don't think.

Anyway, I actually got to meet her when I went up to see her school play. I got to give her two hugs, talk to her for five minutes, and that was it. I haven't been able to see her since, and now it seems like she doesn't wanna talk to me.

Voice in my head: That's because you're a creepy, clingy, desperate fuck.

...Probably.

Voice in my head: It was just a case of Amy Syndrome anyway.

Ok, lemme explain what Amy Syndrome is.

Amy was my first love. I was 21 years old and she was a co-worker of mine at the hardware store in Buffalo.

She was also literally the ONLY single girl I knew at the time. So Amy Syndrome is what I call my tendency to develop a crush on somebody simply because she's single and I know her.

Anyway, this 17-year-old hardly talks to me anymore, probably because I scared her by my tendency to get creepily overaffectionate.

So, now I'm talking to another girl.

Voice in my head: Yeah right, like you could meet another girl.

No, seriously.

Voice in my head: Lemme guess. Online?

Umm..

Voice in my head: Where's this one live? Bulgaria? Thailand?

...Minnesota.

Voice in my head: Just as well, what are you gonna do, keep uprooting yourself and moving around the country until you run out of online girls to scare away?

Like I'd move up to Minnesota. It's waaaaay to cold up there.

Voice in my head: So... you gonna try to get her to move to Texas?

Well... she doesn't like warm climates, so...

Voice in my head: Soo... this sounds like a relationship with a future.

...

Voice in my head: Ok, answer me this. What exactly do you like about this girl other than that she actually pays attention to you.

Um...

Voice in my head: I'm listening.

...

...She... pays me a lot of attention.

Voice in my head: "And I think she might actually... LIKE me!" You're such a loser.

Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do? You have no idea how sick I am of spending every single fucking day and night alone.

Voice in my head: Just stop worrying about it.

I can't.

Voice in my head: You've got a decent apartment, a decent job, and you're gonna be starting school soon. Just be happy with that. The sooner you just accept that you're going to die alone, the happier you'll be.

Whatever...

I gotta go to work.

Llama Llama Duck

2006-10-20T07:32:15Z

Ok, sooo what happened today.

Yesterday, I went apartment hunting. Can't remember if I mentioned that already, but yeah. That's what I did. And the apartment I'd had my hopes up for told me I didn't make enough money to live there.

Well, fuck them.

They gave me a card for this Mexican guy named Juan, and Juan found me an even cheaper apartment. It's a little farther away from work than I'd like, but it's only $370 a month!!! (I actually get a discount for working at Blockbuster) It's in a decent seeming neighborhood.

Voice in my head: Yeah. Good luck passing the credit check. And hoping they don't find out you only make $900 a month.

Yeah, well...

If this doesn't work out, I dunno what else I can do. I'm a little worried, cause the whole thing happened so quick. And it seems a bit too good to be true.

Voice in my head: And we all know good things never happen to you.

Yes. That too.

That's... about it. Ate some Indian food. There's an all you can eat Indian buffet near my house that I'm really gonna miss after I move.

Alright, shows over. Go home, folks.

Wow, Smythe updated!

2006-10-19T06:26:38Z

That's right, folks. After how many months, Smythe is back to updating his LiveJournal!

So what's happened to me since I last updated?

That girl I met at the TMBG concert? I don't talk to her anymore. Met another girl, fell in love, moved to Texas...

Voice in my head: You... WHAT?!?!

I moved to Texas. Oh, lemme tell you the story.

Voice in my head: This better be good.

Well, I met this girl online one night while incredibly intoxicated. And over the next few months, we chatted more and more and got closer and closer, about as close as two people can get online. And I invited her up here for Lemonic Demonade (a Lemon Demon concert at Neil's house in Massachusetts) and Otakon (Anime convention). She, in return, invited me to live with her in Texas.

She came up to visit me in July. I haven't had a drink or a smoke since we met.

And we hit it off famously. Holding hands, cuddling, the promise of more... I was certain more than anything in my life that I'd met the one I'd been waiting for my whole life. I could see a future of nothing more than happiness together with her in Texas. I quit my job at Wawa, and got ready to move.

I rented a car on July 29th and took her up to see Lemon Demon.

It was fun.

Voice in my head: You sat off alone by yourself virtually the entire time.

In other words, it was just like every other social event I ever go to. Still, it was nice getting to meet everybody, even if I was the oldest Illemonatus there by several years and felt more than a little out of place.

But... after that concert, the girl I'd brought there turned cold as ice to me. I still don't really get it. She claims that she just "couldn't stand" the way I'd acted in Kingston. It seemed to me that the novelty of knowing me wore off after she met Neil Cicierega. Anyway, things went steadily downhill from there.

I dunno why I still moved to Texas with her. Otakon was a more or less miserable time, and I missed more than half of it. I got to meet Monica Rial. She got to meet a guy. Who she ALSO convinced to move to Texas and is now dating. I guess I just wanted to get the hell out of Baltimore at any cost. Or maybe I was still deluding myself into thinking she'd eventually fall in love with me.

So.. I'm living with her now. Cramped, the fifth person in this four person apartment. And we more or less can't stand each other now. She thinks I'm a disgusting, unhygenic slob, and I think she's a crazy, hypochondriac nut case.

Oh well. So it goes.

Voice in my head: Every day, you look more and more like a loser.

Yeah, well... other than on the love life front, everything seems to be coming up roses. I got a job working at Blockbuster. It doesn't pay much, but it's fun. Also I got plans to go to college.

Voice in my head: How many times have you said that now?

Except I REALLY have plans this time. Collin County Community College. Next September. Majoring in Radio and TV Broadcasting.

All I gotta worry about is finding a place to stay, cause the girl that invited me, her "sweetie," to live with her several months ago is putting me out on my eat in December.

Voice in my head: What a bitch.

Finally, you and I agree on something.

So... stay tuned to this space, folks. Smythe is back on LiveJournal, and he's (probably) here to stay.

Voice in my head: Until he gets bored with LJ or depressed or something.

Which way is up?

2006-05-17T11:18:11Z

It's 7 AM.

I just got home from work an hour and a half ago.

I'm likely not going to drink tonight.

Let's see... what all has happened since I last graced LiveJournal with my presence (and enough energy to make an entry)?

Kristen.

THE REST OF THIS ENTRY WILL BE IN HAIKU.

"She emailed me back
And we chat on AIM
Things are looking up."

"She called Saturday
At somewhere 'round 3 A.M.
Wasted as can be."

"She's hilarious
When she's on a drunken rant
I fell right in love."

"She might come up here
This weekend to visit me
I so hope she does."

"I will make her fudge
I hope she likes chocolate
And that she likes me."

"Damn, I need a car
So I can drive to D.C.
And see her much more."

"Maybe I'll get one
Sooner than this coming March
As currently planned."

"If I do get one,
Can I afford insurance
And expensive gas?"

"I wonder how much
Insurance would be for me
At age 24?"

"But if I don't drive
I might very well lose her
As we'd rarely meet."

"As it is right now
I don't think she's coming here
For the metal show."

"On May 24th,
There's a Boysetsfire show
At the Ottobar."

"Kristen mentioned that
She might go to that show, but
It's too far a drive."

"We'll see what happens.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Now, I go to bed."

GAAAAAAH AWESOME FUCKING DAY

2006-04-28T09:57:15Z

Ok, this was an excellent day all around.

GAH I'm so ecstatic I don't even know where to start.

Ok, so... I went to see They Might Be Giants today. Bus ride into Baltimore City. Fun.

I wore a pair of JEANS! JEANS THAT USED TO NOT FIT ME! ME IS LOSING WEIGHT!!

Voice in my head: So... that increases the number of pants you own to what... four?

Three.

...

Anyway.

First, I went up to Golden Ring to check Walmart and see how much Digital Cameras were. (Answer: Too much) I stopped in at Replay Video and found the soundtrack to the Pokemon TV show on the clearance rack for ONE DOLLAR.

So I get up to this place, Club Sonar. And the lady at the box office told me Ticketmaster "cancelled" the ticket order. :(

...So they sold me tickets at the door, at a discount. :)

And it's a nice place too! Lots of nerdy weird people. No ghetto thug wannabe gangbangers in sight.

Drinks were reasonable, $3.50 for a beer. And I gave the lady a 10 and she gave me change for a 20. :)

Voice in my head: Yeah, but you gave it back to her. Loser.

Yeah, well... being a cashier myself... Karma would be a bitch.

Voice in my head: *Yawn* So how was the concert?

They Might Be Giants kicked ass. Some of the songs I'd heard before, like the Malcolm In The Middle theme song, and some alphabet countries song that I think I'd heard on Cartoon Network somewhere. The encore consisted of Istanbul Not Constantinople and Fingertips. Anyway, I can barely hear now, as I was standing right next to a speaker, and TMBG is now on my list of top 20 favorite bands.

But that's not important.

What's important is... that the unthinkable happened.

Are y'all sitting down?

...

I MET A GIRL.

Voice in my head:... No way.

*Nods*

Voice in my head: I don't believe you.

*Shows voice her phone number she gave me*

Voice in my head:... Holy shit.

Her name is Kristin, she lives in DC, she's a glasses-wearing emo geek nerd who, incidentally, looks an AWFUL lot like Emily, and has the Sith theme for her ringtone. We hung out at the club and watched the concert together, and I got her REALLY drunk. (Shit, I only bought her four beers...) After the show, she drunk drove me home, and we got lost in a bad part of Baltimore, so we had to stop for directions and pizza at a horribly ghetto all night pizza place. Anyway, we got back safely, and she came in, and sat on my couch watching TV...

And, well... I wasn't exactly sure how to proceed from there. Seriously. I totally blanked, like, "Does she want me to sit close to her? Put my arm around her? Kiss her? How much does she like me?"

Voice in my head: Basically exactly like that night in the hotel room with Claire.

Exactly. You know me and my fear of coming on too strong.

Voice in my head: Dumbass. She drove you home. She came into the house. She WANTED you to do something.

Yeah, well, you know... I can never tell.

Voice in my head: So you just basically sat, not even on the same couch, and watched TV for 2 hours.

Yeah.

Voice in my head: You totally blew it, dude.

And she didn't seem impressed by the sheer and utter squalor in which I live either. She coined a new term, "Boonghetto," like a cross between the Boonies and the Ghetto.

Anyway... I really hope I hear from her again. But I have a strange feeling I won't.

Voice in my head: Huh? But... didn't she give you her number?

Well, technically she did...

Voice in my head: Technically?

See, it was like this. She asked me for MY number, so she could call me if she got lost going home. But I didn't know Roland's house phone number, so she gave me HER number so I could call her cell phone and she could get the number that way. Then I gave her my email, said that was the most reliable way to get in touch with me, and gave her a hug. And, after she left, I noticed her number was still in the phone, so I wrote it down.

Voice in my head: *facepalm*

What? She DID give it to me. I'm gonna call her tomorrow, be like, oh, I just hit redial to see if your number was still there, just making sure you got home safe, and see how she reacts.

/me crosses fingers.

Well, this entry has taken me four hours on and off to write. That's about all that happened this awesome day.

Voice in my head: Something really bad's gonna happen now, you know.

Oh, believe me, I know.

Trying not to think about it...

Six-Day... SOBER binge?!?!

2006-04-19T10:11:54Z

That's right. I just finished six days sober. Go me. Let's see how long that lasts after I get paid...

You know, it wasn't really as hard as I thought it would be. Maybe I'll keep going longer...

Of course, I say that now... I know I'm probably gonna need to drink Thursday night, unless I want my insomnia to keep me up all night before I have to go in at TEN FUCKING A.M. on Friday and work a THIRTEEN HOUR shift.

Then there's the matter of my boredom problem... I've got tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday off... And no friends, life, etc.

But let's forget about that for a moment.

Let's see... what all's happened since last post...

Um...

Not much.

Oh, my rent check bounced. Yay. Now Roland's all pissed, and he won't take checks anymore. So I had to get a money order for $400 today, and I'll need to get another one for $85 tomorrow, 'cause the ATM won't let me take out more than $400 in a day. Basically, it's another pain in my ass.

But it's just as well, seeing how much trouble I have keeping track of the $ in my account.

Oh, Roland's friend finished doing my taxes. Then he charged me $125. WHAT THE FUCK. I could have gone onto H & R Block.com and had THEM do it for $40.

Now for some happy news... I did some cooking tonight...

And anyone who knows me knows there's only one thing I can cook. :D :D :D :D

I have to remember to get up at a decent hour tomorrow so I can get over to the post office. It shouldn't cost too much... probably no more than $10. I really hope she appreciates it.

I've been thinking about her a lot too... Stupid things, too... Like, noticing that the brand of plastic wrap we use in the deli is called "Crystal Wrap." And the Elvis song she gave me started playing on the overhead Muzak system in the store today.

I wonder... does she ever think about me?

Voice in my head: No.

How do you know?

Voice in my head: 'Cause you're you. Nobody ever thinks about you. Nobody ever will.

Oh shut up. I'm in a decent, hopeful mood right now.

Voice in my head: Have you ever been in a decent, hopeful mood and not had your heart crushed underfoot and torn up into a thousand pieces?

...

Voice in my head: This girl's already told you she likes someone else.

Yeah, well... that's just an infatuation, I think. It'll pass.

Voice in my head: What if it doesn't?

The thing is... I'm not sure if he likes her back... I don't think he does.

Voice in my head: So you're saying you want HER heart to get broken.

No! That's not what I'm saying at all!

Voice in my head: Isn't it?

I... really just want her to be happy.

Voice in my head: Oh come on, you don't mean that. You never mean that.

...

Voice in my head: You said the same thing about Emily. YOU loved Emily. YOU knew her first. And yet you still introduced her to Art, just 'cause you "wanted her to be happy." Now they're head over heels in love and happily married, and you're still alone and miserable.

...Maybe... maybe you're right.

It's true, I DO want her to be happy... But... I want her to be happy with ME. Dammit, I've done everything I can do to make everyone around me happy, is it wrong to want to be happy myself?

Voice in my head: Told you so.

Shut the hell up. I HATE talking to you. You always put me in such a shitty mood.

I need to go listen to music now.

Sigh... and continue hoping.

(Hehehehe.... usually I'd say "I need to go drink now...")

Total stalker post

2006-04-10T08:50:39Z

Ok, Crystal (psyne) posted this online and it got me uber excited. It's "what she looks for in a guy."

-Tall
+1 point

-Skinny
Umm... I'm not exactly obese, but...

-Medium-to-dark hair
Point.

-Medium length hair (as in, not so short it's cut with an electric razor, but not ponytail.)
Point.

-Long/skinny neck (shut up.)
It's... pretty long, but not exactly skinny.

-Nice smile
I've been told.

-I'd say nice eyes, but I think most people have nice eyes.
Eyes are my best feature.

-Witty. I adore wit and anyone who can make me crack up just by talking naturally. I'm not as interested in people who go around telling pre-formed jokes, even if they made them up themselves. Part of what I like about wit is that it shows someone is clever enough to come up with funny things as they talk.
Well, that depends on your sense of humor. I've made her laugh in chat a few times, so I think she's got the same sense of humor I do.

-Similar taste in music. And I love finding people who know lots of good music I don't but don't know some good music that I do. It gives you a lot to talk about, and hearing new music is great fun.
:D :D :D :D

-Fun to talk to and hang out with. Hanging out is important, I'd much rather sit on a couch playing video games than go out to some restaurant.
Squeeeeeeee!

-Likes video games, computers, and other geeky pursuits.
Point.

-Good grammar and spelling, and otherwise intelligent. I don't really care if they're smarter than me or dumber than me or anything like that (yes, I do know people who consider one of those a requirement; they either don't want to converse with someone dumber or don't want to be shown up by someone smarter). I don't measure people's ACT scores. They just have to be able to hold intelligent conversations and have a vocabulary that suits their age.
Point.

-Close in age. Like, between 17 and 20. I'm 90% sure my Bio lab TA last semester had a crush on me, but he's a senior. Probably 22, and about to graduate. That would just be weird.
...

Crap.

There's really not much I can do about that. Age is really just a number, really.

-No smoking, and either no or very little drinking.
I'd quit for her.

-Relatively similar political and religious views are good. I don't like getting in arguments over major things, although little debates can be fun. That means, liberal on social issues (gay rights, abortion, etc) and agnostic. I can deal with some differences in those, but it seems like life would be easier with someone where it's not an issue.
Not an issue = Me.

-Mature in general but with appreciation for the stupidly humorous.
Aaaagh, it's like she's describing me!

-Not particularly outgoing. I'm not as comfortable with outgoing people because... they're foreign to me. It just goes hand in hand with a completely different personality type.
Squeeeeeee again!

-Easy to read. Particularly online. I get neurotic when I'm not sure if I'm understanding someone correctly. Kinda goes with the shyness/self-esteem issues.
Is anyone more easy to read than me? Typically, I'll tell someone exactly what's on my mind at any given time.
Er... besides, all she has to do is read my livejournal.

I SO HAVE TO MEET THIS GIRL.

I don't care if I have to drive all the way to Michigan. Honestly, have any of you ever seen someone as perfect for me as this?

She touched my knee and it made me quiver...

2006-04-07T06:29:57Z

I made a paper crane! Hell yeah! You have no idea how hard it was. We made 'em in my Japanese Culture class. I'm so proud of myself. Hehe, I didn't mind the bus ride today 'cause I had Crystal's CD. It was actually pain to turn it off during the two hours that the class went.

Oh yeah, and... http://www.dormgear.net/images/SM149-Kiss-Tanya-Chalkin.gif

That's honestly the most incredibly erotic picture I think I've ever seen. It's AMAZING, and I can't stop looking at it. It's so beautiful.

I'm kind of hyper. Not sure why. I had, like, no caffeine today at all.

Like I usually do, I did a lot of thinking during the bus ride.

I spent a good portion of my time thinking about Elisa, the girl I've known for 4 years. I had a chat with her the other day, and she asked me what I liked about her. And I couldn't really think of much. When I thought about it, I didn't really know anything about her. So I asked her stuff, like what she likes to do in her spare time, and it turns out she likes to go out and dance and do all that stuff that girls like to do that I don't like to do... and it was such an unbelievable turn off. I need a homebody for a girlfriend, one whose idea of a good time is cuddling on the couch watching Excel Saga or Cowboy Bebop.

Honestly, I think the only thing I have in common with her is that we're both desperately lonely. I mean, she has a nice personality, and I have such a soft spot for girls with a negative self image. Like... I think it's my duty to make depressed girls feel better about themselves.

Hm... note to self: Learn more about a girl BEFORE confessing your undying, eternal love.

And on that note... I need to find a way to talk to Crystal one-on-one. I'm so curious, I want to know everything about her. I'm wondering what she's going to college for, what she likes to do, what she likes in a guy.

Sigh... college. I wish so much that I could go back and do it all over again. Maybe if I'd never started doing drugs, I'd have given more of a shit about school and actually gone. It's so not fair about it. I mean, age 17-18, that's such a critical point in someone's life. There's no way someone that young has the intelligence or the maturity to make such important, life-altering decisions.

Voice in your head: Well, your mother should have been there to help you make those decisions, too.

Yeah, that's true.

Even still, it's too late for me, and I don't have the means to go to college now... Even if I did, I'd have no idea what I'd want to go for. Media production, or something. I'd love to shoot music videos or movies. Or maybe I could do anime voice-overs, I'd be good at that too.

Anyway, nothing else to report.

I'm gonna listen to Psyne Mix 3 again.

Crystal (Psyne) = Love

2006-04-06T08:35:50Z

Crystal, who I mentioned in the last post, made a CD online for me, and it's simply the greatest CD ever. Words can't describe it. 21 songs I've never heard before, and I love 'em all? Anyone who knows me knows how picky I am about music, and what a statistical improbability that is.

Voice in my head: Oh, shut up. You only like the CD 'cause Crystal made it and you like her.

Huh? Oh, hey! Voice in my head! I haven't seen you in ages!

And that's not the only reason I like the CD, dude. You should really listen to it.

Voice in my head: Um... I'm in your head, dumbass. I've been listening to it the whole time. Since when do you listen to synthpoppy crap like that?

Um... like... always? Remember Chumbawamba? And Eels? Aphex Twin? And we can't forget Lemon Demon...

Voice in my head: Ok, I admit I like the Bowie song. And that Belle and Sebastion one. Aaron Ackerson's pretty cool. And that Say Hi To Your Mom one's catchy. And I like The Faint and Scissor Sisters and The Postal Service and...

...

Dammit.

Ok, it's a good CD. Fuck you.

Ha!

Hey, I think that's the first time I ever won an argument with the voice in my head.

Ok, so anyway...

Yeah, since my last post, Crystal's been the girl I've been thinking about the most. But here's the weird thing. She's, like, the only girl on the LD forums I don't think about in a PURELY sexual manner.

With Crystal, it's usually like, "I wonder what Crystal's doing now?" or "I wonder what she does when she's not on the forums?" or "I wonder if she likes anime." Y'all know how important shared interests are to me. I mean, I'm not saying I DON'T want to get her naked , just that I like more about her than that. I hope that made sense and didn't sound creepy.

I've been trying really hard not to be creepy lately, but I'm about to give up. I think the creepyness falls too much under the "Part Of Who I Really Am" category, instead of the "Bad Things I Can Better About Myself" category.

Um, I just thought of something, and I really hope no one from work reads this and thinks I'm talking about the 17-year-old Crystal that works there. There, I added "(Psyne)" to the title so folks know who I'm talking about.

Maybe it's not a good idea to write LJ entries as if no one's ever going to read them.

So, anyway... Samurai Champloo is calling. But I really don't want to go upstairs and have to turn this CD off. Hmm... conundrum.

Maybe I WILL stay on the internet until tomorrow. I can keep the CD on until I go to Catonsville tomorrow, listen to it on the bus the whole way there and back, then listen to it all night again.

Psyne Mix 3 Contents:

1. !!! - The Step
2. Say Hi To Your Mom - Hooplas Involving Circus Tricks
3. The Faint - Worked Up So Sexual
4. The Bravery - Honest Mistake
5. Aaron Ackerson - Not The End
6. Massive Attack - Inertia Creeps (Manic Street Preachers mix)
7. Out Hud - Hominid Hump
8. David Bowie - Hallo Spaceboy
9. The Faint - Glass Danse
10. Metric - Combat Baby
11. Scissor Sisters - Laura
12. Ladytron - Destroy Everything You Touch
13. IMA Robot - Love is a Boombox
14. Suede - Can't Get Enough
15. Of Montreal - Penelope
16. E.S. Posthumus - Pompeii
17. Belle and Sebastian - Sukie in the Graveyard
18. Elvis Presley - Little Less Conversation (JXL Remix)
19. The Unicorns - Jellybones
20. The Postal Service - Nothing Better
21. Mindless Self Indulgence - Pussy All Night

(Wow, I'm about to select "happy" as my mood. Have I EVER done that?)

Spaghetti. And MADD HAWT INTARNET SECKS

2006-04-03T08:05:55Z

Hm... So long since I've updated.

I'm going to my first day of Shift Manager class tomorrow. Yay.

And Storm has completely disappeared off the face of the earth. I haven't seen her in over a week, since I confronted her about stealing money out of my wallet and flushing my cell phone down the toilet. (Yeah, remember how I mentioned my toilet was clogged? OVER A MONTH AGO?)

Plus, she hasn't paid the rent, so she's good as gone. Roland says he's holding all her stuff hostage 'til she pays it, so I could have this computer here for quite a while. And her DVD player...

Damn... is it really April already? Wasn't it January, like, yesterday?

So, ok, online girl update:

My relationship with Elisa is progressing. She's recently expressed an interest in cybersex. However, I'm afraid I might be a little TOO good at it, as now whenever we talk, that's, like, ALL she wants to do. Then when it's done, it's bedtime for her. Still, I'm glad I can please her, even if it's only by saying, "I've lost myself inside your body. There's nothing that exists right now besides the two of us. You feel the sweat dripping from my forehead onto your breasts as I get faster and faster..."

Jess is starting to worry me. She's so the dominant type... If I really started to fall for her, she would own me completely. She always talks about how she loves inflicting pain on people and she wants someone to be her slave. And I would be, too. I'd be her plaything, her pet. I would do ANYTHING she wanted me to do. Then when she was done with me, she'd discard me like a used tissue. Also, she has a totally insatiable sex drive... (more on that later)

And there's two new girls I've started to develop internet crushes on...

Crystal (aka Psyne) - Age: 18. Hmm... what's the best way I can think of to describe Crystal? Me with breasts. Honestly, everything she's done and said, her personality, her lack of contact with the opposite sex, her general attitude of sarcastic cynicism... it all reminds me of myself. I'd like to hang out with her one day and see if we hit it off. (Oh, she lives probably the closest of any of my crushes... Central Michigan)

Kate - Age: 18. Kate... Kate, Kate, Kate. Kate only recently popped into my life. She's a friend of Jess', lives in Canada, and typically masturbates anywhere from 7 to THIRTY times a day. She mentioned this on the Lemon Demon forum after only one day there (ok, I admit, masturbation has been the hot topic on the LD forum for a while now... probably 'cause that's the only sexual experience most of us have.)

So... Jess (who had been known as the top masturbator on the forum already) challenged Kate to a masturbation contest. Most orgasms wins. LIVE IN THE CHAT ROOM.

(And at the moment I'm writing this, the contest has been going for about 2 and a half hours, and Kate is currently winning 30 orgasms to Jess' 29.) I never would have imagined such a thing to be physically possible. And I know a LOT about female anatomy and physiology.

Anyway... Honestly, this has to be the hottest thing I've ever experienced in my life. My sex drive has, honest to God, increased sixfold since joining the LD forums.

If I don't get a real flesh-and-blood girlfriend soon, I'm going to absolutely die.

I am soooooooooo pissed.

2006-03-17T06:35:41Z

Ok, so I left the house for Catonsville at 3:30 today, got there at 7, and the GODDAMN TEACHER NEVER SHOWED UP.

I'm really sucking down the wine today. Fuck, this was a horrible waste of a day off.

Tomorrow's St. Patrick's Day. Yay. I work 2pm-11pm.

Saturday's my birthday. Yay. I work 7am-2pm.

Sunday, I also work 7am-2pm.

And, knowing those bastards, they're gonna have me on Monday and Tuesday, and probably Wednesday too. Fuck.

I need more wine.

Another update! Yaaay!

2006-03-16T11:24:00Z

Wow, let's see what I have to say today.

Out of nowhere, I get this email from my uncle in California who works for FOX, and who I haven't really spoken to since my grandparents threw me out for doing drugs three years ago. He basically just wants to know what's up with me, then he tells me he might be able to get me a job doing Production Assistance for movies in LA.

(Cue choir of angels)

That's something that'll come later, though. The promotion at Wawa isn't looking so good, 'cause I really suck at working there. And there's this girl Dawn who's a lot better than me at everything who's also after the Customer Service Lead position. So I don't stand a chance.

Hmm... all else that's happened recently revolves around all the girls I'm in love with online. Somewhere along the line I turned into internet Roland. Let's see if I can give you a rundown.

Elisa - Age: 20 Lives in England. Probably the girl I have the most feelings for. I've known Elisa for, like, 4 years. I've been talking to her online ever since I lived in Vegas. Honest to god, there's NO ONE I've known for 4 years. And she's the only one of my online girls I've ever actually spoken to about a relationship. Of all the online girls I'm in love with, I love Elisa the most. We definitely have a lot in common, particularly the low self esteem, negative self image, and lack of experience with the opposite sex. Downside? She lives in bloody England. 3000 miles away. Of course, I hate America. England wouldn't be a bad place to live someday...

Jess - Age: 18 Canadian, but Lives in England. I met Jess recently, and we really seemed to hit it off famously. She has no friends whatsoever, and basically never leaves the house, so right off the bat she strikes me as a kindred spirit. I've actually sent her some presents. Some Dentyne Fire gum (she loves the stuff, and they don't sell it in England) and a toaster (the girl's crazy about toast, and I got a killer deal on one from eBay). We spent an entire night discussing what we're going to name our kids. Downside? She severely disapproves of drinking, and won't even give me the chance to quit like Elisa will. And ever since one night I spoke to her drunk, her opinion of me has steadily fallen. I have a feeling I wasted all that money on shipping to Britain.

Wow, it's 6:30. I really suck for staying up this late.

Hmm... anyone know where the voice in my head's gone?